The following message (subject: Re: grieving in silence) was posted by Judy, on 12/31/2004 1:18:44 PM.

Yeah, me too. I'm really not allowed to talk about Ellen much.

My yougest sister visited me over Christmas vacation. After dinner, we sat down on the sofa to talk...really our first time alone since Ellen died 16 months ago. She feels that Ellen died a "good" death. But I kind of understand what she means as Ellen didn't seem to be in a lot of pain. But there was a lot of nausea for 6 months due to chemotherapy and she lost 30 pounds as she couldn't eat. That wasn't "good". She was also hospitalized twice, once for a burst appendix and once for a collapsed lung. None of that was "good". And Ellen knew she was dying so I don't think that can ever be "good". Then my youngest sister said she doesn't miss Ellen AT ALL. They lived in the same building in Manhattan for 30 years and worked together for 10 years. Ellen really cared about her. It's sad, but I can't make her care. She doesn't know that Ellen's death almost killed me and that I'm on an antidepressant. She was laugh at that. So you see why I can't talk to her about Ellen.

I can't really talk to my husband about Ellen, as he doesn't know what to say. My friends kind of change the subject because they don't want me to be sad. My 93 year old mother never talked about Ellen after she died, although I know she loved Ellen a lot and was very sad, but her speech couldn't be understood the last years of her life due to Parkinsons. Now my mother is gone too.

Ellen's best friend was strange and has become very good friends with my younger sister, so I can't really talk to her about Ellen.

So the only one I can talk to is my therapist and people here at this site.

So Tricia, I understand how you feel about your brother. I'm feeling sad today too. It's my 2nd New Year without her.

Your friend in grief,
Judy